Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
