i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
