I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
