Will you blow on my dice?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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