I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
