I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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