moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember