So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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