Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
