just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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