do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sorry about my life...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
