Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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