you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
