Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
