Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
