I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
