I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
