He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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