It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
