he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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