nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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