Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
