Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize