She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
