so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
