eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
