Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
