Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
