She is in my trunk
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
