everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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