Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
