im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
