come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
