First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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