Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I love you. Go after that dick
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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