i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
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Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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