my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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