apparently the secret to your success is patron
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
