i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
