the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
