I want to make a zoo with you.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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