I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
