I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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