I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
