I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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