I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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