My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
