You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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