And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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