not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
