im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
