Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
