census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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