you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
