I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
